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I don't have one right now. Haven't had one for a while. I'm sad, I don't feel connected. Having an obsession is like being nailed to a wonderful ship of joy. On the other hand, not having one is like floating along in the clouds. Boring, boring, boring. So, basically, I have no mental stimulation. At least I have a cat :)

Some thoughts, unfinished.

Like judo, any obsession which may occupy the front of your mind and/or your body will facilitate the turning of the subconscious mill. This is why I encourage my obsessions. They not only free my subconscious to think about what it needs to think about, it also serves as a continual filter through which observation or study of a particular thing may bring about new understanding in the process already being worked on in the subconscious. Also, the subconscious's job is never done. It doesn't build many small structures, it's building one great huge structure which, though always weak in one area or another, is at least a single structure with a single understanding and philosophy. This makes me never satisfied with my thoughts as I'm always spotting the weaknesses. It is my joy, nay, my fate to be constantly taking information and building turrets and buttresses and windows and support walls in my endless structure of information/understanding.


So again, I've been flung into the land of dreams and have emerged with strange memories. I was driving on the freeway and this huge oil tankard up ahead made a u-turn in the middle of the freeway for some reason. I think it was because it had realized it was going the wrong way. It made a huge mess of the freeway. So much so that I had forgotten to get off at my exit. So, like an idiot, I also turned around in the middle of the freeway to make my exit, only, I cut off the oil rig that was also trying for my exit. As I got off the freeway, I was driving pretty fast and started to go down the wrong street and I turned and went down the right street. A cop must have seen everything because he tried to chase me but at first, he went down the wrong street. I sort of sat at a stand still in my street wondering whether I should book it while the cop was stuck or whether to patiently await my judgment at his hands. I started to drive and the cop pulled up behind me, no lights on or anything, just like he didn't know if I had done anything wrong, he was unsure of what to do. I pulled over and the cop gave me a ticket. Some passerby whispered to me "If you like, I'll be a witness for you that nothing was said over the police radio" for which I was thankful but I declined his generosity. I had felt that I had done nothing wrong but make a mistake in my turn which I had corrected. I asked him what I was charged with and he handed me the ticket with a list of "wrongdoings" and topping that list was "has main shirt in backseat."  I was bug-eyed with anger. I was wearing TWO shirts and had an extra in the backseat but this cop was acting like I was driving topless and left my shirt in the back on purpose. Everything else on the list was BS too. The cop, since he had pulled me over, felt that he simply HAD to give me a ticket for something or he'd loose face. I was out of my head with anger, this ticket on top of the subway ticket I had been given and the speeding ticket from a year ago all made it seem like I would never be able to get into the air force.

I must have driven home. When I got there, there were a bunch of buybuy Baby employees walking in a line like zombies into my house. There was a leader, a mastermind or some such, giving orders to the zombies. I followed them into my house and saw some of them picking up containers or things that would serve as make-shift containers. In order to find out what was going on, I picked one up myself and joined the line. Only some of the zombies were collecting containers. We all had to pass the mastermind and it seems like everyone was chanting something under their breath but I couldn't hear what it was. He must have been checking to see that we were all under his direction. I started to mumble under my breath in what seemed to be similar tones to the other zombies and fortunately he didn't notice anything. Or maybe he did, considering what happened later. Anyway, I went back into the house and gathered some important items like my wallet, iPod, and something else which was in a bag (no idea what it was though) and went into the back yard and hurriedly started stashing them in places the zombies wouldn't be able to find. It seems in the time I was out back, the mastermind had set the zombies to find and kill me. I saw their approach and ran up the slope of my now ginormous back yard. I was here as it had been in a dream in the past. My neighbor's yard to the left had a series of fences going up that slope and I briefly wondered whether it would be better to let the zombies get me and kill me or to try and get over those fences. I wondered whether dying by their hands would wake me up from the dream. I figured better to not find out and I took a dash for the fences. I leapt over all of them and finally at the top in the neighbor's yard, there was a lake and several old grizzled trees around the rim. It was very decayed and as I tried to run by one of the trees, bees surrounded me. I tried to go around a couple of the others but again, all the trees had huge beehives inside. So I leapt into the lake and it was cool and refreshing. The bees were unable to attack me in the water until I surfaced again at which point I realized I had to stay in the water.

I must have ended up in some underwater lair. It was like a frog escort service for humans. Weird. Very weird. I snuck around for a while, careful not to let any of the inhabitants know I was present. It seemed like here too, there was a master but I didn't try and discover who it was. I was too fascinated by the strange scene before me. It took me a while to realize the frogs were all male and the humans were all female. The rooms all had pools, I suppose since it was an underwater lair that is to be expected, but it had a really cool atmosphere to it. Warm lighting, purple curtains kind of sparkly, kind of like some fairytale witch's home. The windows and openings to all the rooms were round and much like tree roots. It was all a labyrinth but not necessarily difficult to follow. I don't know what happened after this as I actually finally woke up.

New Job

New job, folks. Air Force. United States.  That. So I don't actually know what my job will be and so technically I only posted my employer but check it out, I'm pretty stoked. I am not thinking too much about having to leave my friends and family because I frankly don't want to waste my precious moments with them worrying about missing them. I want to enjoy every moment as if I didn't know. Soon, I wont be able to see them anymore. Soon, they will be miles and fences and uniforms away from me and I'll only be able to see them through photographs and scattered memories. Still I want to make new friends, I want to make new relationships. I want to be part of the world and carry it with me in my heart when I leave.  Don't ask me when I leave, I don't know. I don't know for how long. I don't know where I'm going. The future is as endless and full of possibilites as the beginning of life. I will miss my friends and family though. Greatly. That will be the hardest part (oh wait, next to eating pavement and cleaning toilets all night). Love you! Oh and lets not talk about all the other things I'll miss like Michael Jackson activities, candy, driving my car, watching murder mysteries, and being lazy. YAY for new job lol :)

Of Mountains and Flags

Two dreams in one night. One who's meaning is as clear as day, the other lost in translation.
The first regards one of my greatest regrets, something that I dream about often and burns me to think of.
The second is about being drunk while guarding my flag and it's stolen right under my nose. Hmm...>_>
OK numero uno:
I used to have a job where I'd live in the mountains for months and work on trail maintenance. It was a very difficult job and I was injured and had to leave before my season was up. Last night I dreamt about it. My best friend Carly and I were going back to the location I started my job. She wasn't actually with me in the job in real life but the dream was so real that when I woke up I had to try hard to remember that she wasn't there at all. Anyway, we were driving into the mountains. Beautiful, beautiful mountains that brought back the memories of those days living up there, alone with nature and my band of brothers, so to speak. We hiked in and set up camp there ourselves. Not on the job but more like reliving the experience. I was excited and felt free again. A rare sort of joy which can't be explained. As I went along though, I grew tired and weak. Soon I couldn't stand and the pain and suffering of the place came rushing back. I didn't want to leave, I wanted to stay and be with my friend and finish my work. It was tearing me up inside, this was my home, why was I in pain? She finished the season and I was there, waiting and watching the mountain, knowing she was a different person now and that I wasn't there to watch the transformation and grow with her. I hurt so bad, so bad.
There are many variations on this dream but they all involve visiting the old campgrounds and feeling tremendous loss when I realize I'm not one of them anymore, that it's not MY home anymore. All because of a little injury, a little pain. It haunts me like the loss of Eden...AND Adam.
Dream numero dos:
I was dreaming last night too that I was in the military. I had been in for a year and a half (which is actually how long I've been out of my backcountry job which is almost paramilitary lol). There was a flag raising ceremony in the courtyard - five flag poles, each with a different flag though all representational of genuine, and some historical provinces. The courtyard made a square and each corner had a flag pole and the fifth pole was in the very center and was the flag of the United States. I was drunk and had my pants in my hands, trying to string my belt through the loops, which was difficult considering my state of inebriation. I finally got it all looped through, my fellow soldiers were very understanding with me and held my arm as I put my pants on, though I didn't do up the zipper or top button. Then I proceeded to help all the stations attach the flags to the ropes. Finally, I got to the last flag pole and I was having great difficulty getting the flag attached. Someone had to do it themselves as I fell over, in complete mindlessness. The flag raising ceremony began. All the other flags went before mine, which was a historic Virginia provincial. When it came to ours, it was found that our flag was stolen. I became irate, screaming and straining against my fellow who was holding me first in suspicion then just to calm me down. We looked all over for it, under bushes and in the mud. Finally, when we couldn't find it, we all set on one knee to listen to an officer speak to us I guess. I was still inebriated and upset, looking around me for the flag. In the mud nearby was some money - coins and maybe a few bills. I wondered why no one had picked it up yet but it seems it belonged to a friend of mine and wasn't to be touched. Finding no solace, I tried hugging the person in front of me close to my chest. I really wanted some comfort, to feel another body close to me.

It seems the theme of last night was loss. That would make sense because I've been feeling pretty bad about Michael lately. Everytime I look at a picture of him I can't believe he existed in the first place and then I can't believe he's gone. I try not to weigh my thoughts to heavily on him as it is hardly healthy to dream on things which cannot be undone. As with Backcountry, I just need to move on and find happiness in another job and another man but there is no other man and the other job can never be like Backcountry. It was the only free place on Earth, the only place where I was truly happy.  I didn't need my hair, didn't need my shirt, didn't need social devices and false smiles. How do you come back to a world of superficiality and foolishness from the land of beauty and honesty? It's hard to accept this is the real world and that was the temporary. Michael is tied inexorably to backcountry to me. He represents to me all that backcountry represents and the fact that I heard of his death while I was out there only strengthens that tie. Dwelling on this isn't good, I'll try once again to put my mind to other things more productive. For now I should be happy because I've glimpsed an existence that almost no one in the modern world experiences. Someday I hope it's a happy memory instead of one laden with pain, as I hope the thought of Michael might be.

A Different World

So today is the first entry since oh...January of 2009. My, my, how so much has happened since then. You know, it's been the most turbulent year and a half I've ever known. What with going off on a wild adventure living in the mountains, learning and becoming certified in Wildland Fire Chainsaw falling, limbing, and bucking, and certified on the use of the cross-cut saw, learning that Michael Jackson died while I was out there (through a mere chance of fate), hurting my back, having to come back to civilization, getting a new car, becoming absolutely obsessed with Michael Jackson, applying to the police, having to put my application on hold 'cause the back was still messed up, becoming entrenched in the MJ fan family and meeting people from all over the world and going all over the Southland seeing sights I never thought I'd ever see before, started working as a researcher and archivist, played a real player piano with the old rolls, even a roll from Fats Waller! Dude, life has been interesting. I have more friends now than I have had over the course of my life rolled together! People who understand, people who I can talk to about things most people can't even comprehend. It's a whole new world. My hair is different too, did I tell you that yet? It's all part of the "doing what I want," everything I'm doing now is, as much as possible, what I want to do. A strange world indeed...

New Dream

Finally I've had a dream I remember enough to put down. It's not much really but it's more than I've been getting for a while. Here goes:
I was in a judo dojo with the rest of our club, it was a different dojo than our usual one. I believe it was actually a Tae Kwon Do dojo that we were visiting. We were all wearing TKD uniforms. I was demonstrating some judo moves and it seemed to me that I was wearing an orange belt, and had the skill of an orange belt and I was wearing it around my neck instead of my waist. See in this picture how there's a black collar on their uniforms? Mine was orange.

  We then all lined up and started doing this TKD 22 form chi thing-a-ma-bob.  After that, we all left for Albuquerque, NM where there was a judo tournament to be held. I actually think only one of the fellows on the team with me was one from real life - Adam. We made our way to the hotel we were staying in and it was really interesting inside. I think it may have been someone's private residence. I needed to use the restroom so I started to look for one. Boy, I searched and searched but to no avail. Everyone started joining in the search because....well, everyone needed to use the bathroom at some point. Eventually we found this basin underneath the regular floor in a sublevel. There was water rushing into it and we had a couple people on top fixing it. Finally it flushed like a real toilet and we were all relieved - now we had a restroom. I don't think I ended up using it.....The next day we got up and walked around the university (for the tournament was being held at a university). I remembered the place as I had been there some years before for a soccer tournament (this is true, it was the 2000 world championships). We soon found out that we were being led by a mad laughing clown like the fellow in Twisted Metal 2, Sweet Tooth. He had us running around the campus doing odd little jobs for him, for what purpose I know not. One was that we were supposed to ask everyone who was standing in a line for hot dogs to see their hands. We didn't know what we were looking for though. I had a lady though who had a couple of strange little electrical prongs or balls on the tip of her index finger. I brought her over to the clown, as did the others bring their people. It seems just about everyone in that line had some electrical things on their hands. The clown was most pleased with my person though and he wrote a song about it. I believe I was offended but you know, when there's a mad clown ready to squash you like a bug, you don't say much about how offended you are. So then he had us all line up against a wall and look forward. He was checking our noses. Those people with good noses would survive, those with bad noses would not. I passed...I was feeling pretty good now since he wrote a song about my lady and he was pleased with my nose. Now, still in the line, we had to run off and save a little girl. He called out to us to bring out our hypodermic needles or knives because we'd need them. My knife was clipped to the inside of my sweatpants and I pulled it out as I was running and I fliped the blade out. We all kind of seperated, looking for this little girl. I think I heard a scream from in a building and I swung inside the second story window, ran through the building and flew out again. Next, I leapt into the river because I had a hunch she was drowning. I quickly gave that notion up and was going to do something else when I woke up.

In other news, I start back to work on the 20th of January. Yay. I'm totally into Jane Austen and murder mysteries right now. My new jacket is wonderful and fluffy and warm ^_^ I got a rather large Johnny Depp PotC poster for Christmas from one of my dad's friends. It's more like a cardboard stand, you know? Anyway, now I have Johnny Depp guarding my pile of laundry :-P I'm very excited about the hiking job coming up. Remember last year I applied and they didn't accept me but put me on the reserve list? Well, this year I'm about guaranteed to get in so...YAY XD The trip doesn't start until April so do go saying I didn't give advance warning of this :-P
Oh yeah, to date I've seen Twilight six times. One more and I'll beat my Sleepy Hollow record, held for nine years :-P

MuggleSpace and Christmas

So, I found myself signed up for another friend space this evening...MuggleSpace. Sponsored by....surprise surprise, Mugglenet! I haven't been a Mugglenet fan for a few years now (ever since the great shipping wars of pre-HBP) but every once in a while, one must check out their site to see if any splendid news has come in. Today...there's no splendid news but it seems that they opened their new social network on Christmas Day...still in progress for me. I'm about the 4500th member to join. Amazing how many HP fans are still out there :-) Anyway, I was busy joining all the groups I liked when I happened to click on a link to the site of the Potter Puppet Pals (a wonderful puppet parody of HP). I simply had to watch all the ones with Snape in them of course! In the middle of watching one titled "Potions Class" I started to drool. Actually drool. I haven't done that since the dentist took out my wisdom teeth and I couldn't control my mouth for how numb it was. Yeah, Snape's little speech was that sexy :-D I highly recommend it folks, as I recommend all of the PPP's productions!
Christmas was nice, I wish my brother were here (he may not come home for some months yet). I got the board game of The Office! XD Oh yeah, you know it ^o^ Merry Christmas to all of you folks :)

Dog, Car, Twilight, Energy Drink

Alright, it's been quite a while since I updated and few things have happened in my life since then. My dog died, he was like a brother to me. His mom was ours too and she died a couple of years ago. It was really quite a horrible experience because we had to have him put down. He could barely walk, wasn't eating....you know....bad stuff....and the winter is coming so we didn't think he'd have survived anyway. Well, we couldn't afford to bring him to a vet and have them perform the procedure so we thought of the pound. We stuffed him in the car (bleeding, grunting), drove to the pound, and found out they didn't do that sort of thing...unless we simply relinquished ownership and gave him to them. They would have their vets look him over and decide whether he would have to die or not. So, while I was sitting in the back seat with Ozzie (my dog), my mom relinquished ownership and the fellow from the pound came out of the building so they could take him. in and give him an exam. Poor Oz, we had to pull him out of the car (he was a large dog, even then) and he fell onto the pavement. God, I'll never forget that howl or the twitching, especially the look he gave me when the guy picked him up and walked off with him. That was it. Oz was looking back at us with an expression of "Hey wait, what's going on, why aren't you guys coming too?" Damn, it broke my heart. I hadn't even changed my expression until then but I started to cry. I felt like I betrayed him. We've had those dogs since I was 3 and I'm now 21. They were my noble pups.... It's so empty now  :(

In other news, do you remember how my car died in October and then my neighbor said that I could have hers? Well, it turned out that it would have been waaaaay over the initial estimate to have it repaired and it's not exactly a reliable car and it's a 1999 which makes it's about 10 years old now. I may as well just buy a good younger better car used somewhere. So, oh well, damn it, etc. but at least I had my mom's car. Heh. So I thought. I was getting into my mom's car today to come home from work and it wouldn't start. It isn't the battery because I called parking services and they tried to jump start it and said that it was a problem with the starter. Soooooooo how are my mom and I going to get to work now? We used to have our own cars. Then we had one and I drove her to work and picked her up. Now...now neither of us have one. The bus system around here is evil. Sometimes buses just don't come and you end up waiting two hours for one. The driver might be concerned about his comfort so he'll pull over and wait an hour for the next bus to come and have his stupid seat set to the perfect height. Let's not forget the fucking psychos riding the bus....and they always manage to sit next to me  :shock: Just to get to my work which is about 5 miles from my home, it would take three different buses and about an hour's transit time...if I'm lucky. If not, two. Just to go 5 miles. I'm going to buy a bike and ride that to work, though I'm loathe to do so because I work in food service and no customer likes to see a stinky sweaty lady making their pasta. It's hot in that place as it is, geez!

Next, I've fallen in love with Twilight. The movie, at least. I can't say I've been convinced to read the books but the movie has me totally fucking hooked. It's done something to me, hypnotized me. For four days now I've been totally obsessed with it (I've seen it twice in these four days). I realized only as I turned on the computer tonight what it was that has me captivated about it. It's made me believe in love again. Seriously. The last time I believed in love was ... never? Not that I've always been a cynic, I've simply always believed that love is for the lucky, most people don't get to be with the ones they love and should not hold out for such an impossibility.  Damn. I can't believe it, [i]I[/i] need love now, I believe in it so strongly it's scaring me. I had been trying to understand their conversations, what Bella was saying to him about not being afraid and about never wanting to lose him. About what he was saying "Isn't it enough that you have a long and happy life with me?" But she insisted that it wasn't. It would never be enough. Her whole life with him wouldn't be long enough. Not two lifetimes, not three....nothing could ever be enough. Always. She knew three things. That Edward was a vampire, that some part of him (she didn't know how dominant) thirsted for her blood and that she was "Irrevocably and unconditionally in love with him". I noticed too that they each only once said that they were in love with the other. That was her one time. His once was in the forest after he tried to scare her off by showing her his real self. He said something like "And the lion falls in love with the lamb." Instead of repeating the phrase "I love you" endlessly he says "you [i]are[/i] my life now" and "where else would I go?" Consider that, "You are my life" You are my life, my [i]life[/i]! My life isn't my career, my life isn't some hobby, my life isn't travel or experiences or looking for meaning, or all of that combined, my life is [i]you[/i]. It's beautiful. Really, what earthly thing is more important than love? All these quotes are from the memory of seeing the movie twice. These phrases have been cycling through my mind, la dee da, rinse lather, repeat. What do they mean to each other? Is this even real love? I can believe that his might be but then it might not. I can believe hers might be but then is it just infatuation? Not afraid of him....foolish...but she really trusts him. She knows his heart so well that she knows he wouldn't hurt her. It's incredibly hoaky and yet totally sincere, earnest...somber even. She knows it more than he. He endures her presence, despite always looking like he'll have a nervous breakdown. He wants her to be human, her soul to be intact. He wants her to experience life as people are meant to, nothing more and nothing less, because he knows it's better that way, "that's the way it's meant to be." He wishes he could be with her but he can't bring himself to make her something as vile and debase as he. So what are his plans for her? She'll be an old lady before he knows it, and then she'll die. Is it better to have loved and lost than not at all? What he must be going through in his mind is astounding! He doesn't "have the strength to stay away" from her anymore. Her reply is "Then don't." So simple. During an interview in the movie La Vie en Rose, French singer Edith Piaf (then quite aged) was asked "What is the most important thing for an adult to know?"
"To love."
"For a woman?"
"To love."
"A child?"
"To love."
"A baby?"
"To love."  
I'm going to see Twilight again tomorrow...I think this movie will break my present box office record of seeing Sleepy Hollow 6 times. I'm dangerously teetering on the edge of falling for Edward/Robert Pattinson. I can't ...must...let him hypnotise me! They both (Edward and Bella) have the most interesting facial expressions! Never have I seen a film where both starring roles were portrayed by interesting people...really truly facinating people! The girl who plays Bella has the same facial expressions, the little twitches, the reactions that the woman who played Joon in Benny and Joon had! Never have I seen those particular reactions anywhere else....facinating! Edwards face is a plane of magnificent discoveries. Strange and yet beautiful. Yeah, I'm totally obsessed. Totally. irrevocably and undeniably. I can't watch any movies, listen to any music that isn't vampirical/magical....that is to say, doesn't feature or center around vampires, werewolves, or magic. Therefore, the only music has been Rob Zombie and celtic traditional, the only thing I've been able to watch is Decendents of Darkness anime episodes, and the only thing I've been able to read is Harry Potter stuff -__- I can't wait to get over this obsession >__>

In other news, don't ever take an AMP Focus energy drink on an empty stomach...it's like crack. I took one at work today and hooooo boy, that was bad. My hands were shaking, I couldn't stand still, I couldn't remember things very well, I was racing everywhere, and became quite emotional and subsequently quite dizzy. Don't. take one on an empty stomach. Not that you're stupid enough to do so, just...beware X(


...Wow :)